Shalom

How do we let a moment control us, ruin our day, change our mindset, etc? Today I was asked to give my testimony at bible study. Of course it was the day we started late and had two chapters to cover instead of one. We all know I can't say anything concise, especially when it is something deeply personal. So my testimony was probably 15 mins long and right before I finished I said, "Sorry this is so long, I promise I'm almost done." More as a side note than as an apology. And one lady in a serious voice said, "Yes I'm going to cut you off if you don't finish now, we do have a study to do today." I had about two more lines to say and my life verse. I had to choke through them, because my stomach was in knots and I felt so sick and couldn't keep the tears in. Maybe I'm PMSing, but all I wanted to do was get out of there and cry and never go back. I sat silent through the rest of the study as the same lady spoke for 20 mins on Neiamiah (Ch.7...its mainly just a list of descendants) and through the five minutes of chapter 8. It was stated multiple times over and over, "well since we don't have much time..."

I was consumed by this sickness, I didn't listen to a word that was said. All I could think of was, when did a time table become more important than a person? I had just poured my heart out to these people I don't even know, and I felt the largest feeling of rejection I've ever felt. I wonder how Christ felt when the pharisees rejected him, the son of God. I can't even imagine. I can barely take rejection from a few old ladies in my bible study, how did he take it from the leaders of the law that His father/ he had written. Fully God, fully man: is how I guess. He felt what I felt I'm sure, he was human, but he was God as well, so He didn't let it define Him.

I know it was wrong that I went too long on my testimony, I didn't realize till it was too late. But why would someone ever feel it was ok to treat me this way? But the main question is, why did I let that person define the rest of my day instead of God? Why did I want to crawl in my bed instead of go on the walk I had planned? Why instead of reading my bible and asking God for comfort, did I just want to call my mom? Why could I only think of the things they did wrong and not admit I had wronged them?

I know the "right" answer, "God needs to be our security, not the opinions and actions of others." But is that possible as a human? To disregard our human feelings? Shalom means wholeness with God, peace with God. My heart yearns for Shalom, Yahweh. One day we get to stand in eternity and all of our insecurity is only a memory, not a feeling that can consume, that can ruin our day. We will stand in God's presence and our security will be so strongly felt, insecurity will no longer have a meaning. I just have to keep reminding myself that. At the service before we broke into our groups, we listened to Phill Whickham's song Devine Romance. It says:

The fullness of Your grace is here with me
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see
The brightness of Your glory has arrived
In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied

That last line was all I could think about as I drove home. It was the only thing that calmed me.

So, Shalom. May you yearn as well for wholeness with God. One day He is coming. Seriously, Oh Glorious day. One day our spirits will be completely satisfied.

Shalom.